Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
