I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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