i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
