i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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