Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
