Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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