Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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