Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
