I puked a lego.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
