I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
