Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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