if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
