After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
