I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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