Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
