My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
