Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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