drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize