woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
