they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
