this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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