Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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