I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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