if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
