dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When are your genitals available?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
