Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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