I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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