I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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