You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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