Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
