I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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