I think I died a long time ago.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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