exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
