a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
