I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
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What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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