my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
