Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
