i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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