I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
