Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
