I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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