I haven't been this sober since birth.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
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I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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