Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
