Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
