theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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