I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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