if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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