Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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