yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
