it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
