Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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