I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
