I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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